words......

what if knowing the meaning just stops you from speaking truth?...what happens then?

this is what i have learned.....

i make mistakes and i love them. for i gain loads from making a mistake than i would gain in winning a lottery. of course not literally. so now what?......NOW i leave you to think about the frustrations that you had over the mistakes and whether it was worth the lesson. i am going to be doing the same.

holidays for me

hi guys, its been long since you last heard from me. and yes, my exams are over but the sickly feeling of messing things up in exams hasn't dissipated into thin air just yet. i am back at seremban, longing to see my friends before they get too busy with christmas and new year celebrations. yup, thats pretty much it!!!. can't wait to see you guys.

confused?

i don't know about you , but i definitely am. its literally 2 in the morning and i am sitting here at the heart of the unit which is this wooden table right in the middle of the living room, all alone. basically, i am here once again, because i have nowhere else to go. and i am confused. why? why? why does it have to be the freaking ME, who is always confused.?

well, here goes, i am confused about my actions. you see, sometimes, my actions aren't really what is right to my heart and sometimes, when thought of carefully, they are not necessarily logical or even sensible. okay that last part didn't even make sense. anyways, thats what i am talking about, i am here again, with my Maths past year questions laying right in front of me but i have no mood to do it. no mood in the sense i look at the questions and look away with my mind drifting off somewhere else. i hate this feeling. its icky and irrelevant but i really don't know how to make it go away.

and oh yeah, the confusion kicked in like some time last week or something. i have good friends. wait, thats a lie. i have GREAT friends. but sadly, i kinda think i am more complex than what they view me as. the complexity is very difficult to be explained. i don't know. i just don't know. and you know i might not lock myself in the room and blast the radio and then scream or anything but technically, thats what i truthfully want to do at times. you know why? because sometimes, i just can't say things that go on in my head for it will complicate things.

ohhh well, at least i have you guys to vent out to.

ssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

sometimes, you just want to scream out something but you can't. why? because screaming it out will ruin your life; in other words will plunge the single strand of hope that you have been hanging onto into the abyss of darkness where it will disintegrate particle by particle and you wouldn't be able to see it because you won't be alive. thats exactly how i feel right now!!.

i have so much things to say. so many questions that need answers but i am not going to ask them for i am actually scared what the answers might unveil. don't get any wrong ideas here, these are normal teen break-apart moments. and its not really that serious but its just here and i think i just have to write it out or it will eat inside out.

now something else bothers me. you see when you write it out on a blog, the questions stay. so many years from now, if i look back at my posts and i come across the questions that weren't answered now, i might be filled with regret later. so i have decided not to tell you guys.

am i doing the right thing? i am not sure but i just needed someone to talk to. it would be awkward if it was a face to face conversation so i chose you guys. now you know something is bothering me. but you don't need to ask what's wrong when you meet me in person. better still, please don't ask. because i am quite sure i won't be able to answer you. there would be awkward silence and then the cricket sound. and oh yeah, the questions are for me to ponder on and to think twice before deciding whether i really want to know the answers.

i have nothing to hide, the questions aren't about anyone but me. so let me just disappear now and try finding myself who i am kinda detached to at times.

well, lets just get on with it.

hmmm, i have been an awful blogger. i admit that. i don't blame you guys for not reading my blog anymore. TCSH has not turned me into an anti-social freak of nature who does not update his friends on blogger about his life. that bit i can assure.

i am now home for the weekend. sitting on my bed and attempting to do something productive. i should let you guys know about the friends i have made at TCSH. well words do not do justice to the level of awesome-ness they are. and guys here at Seremban, i would say the friends that i have made at TCSH are very different from you guys and that is good because i would never want to compare you guys to anyone. i give you my word if both of these groups clash, you guys would fit in like a key would in a lock made for it. yup, that's them up there, uh huh. they do look like a crazy bunch don't they? well, pictures don't lie. they are a crazy bunch but they are lovely people at the same time.

every single one of them have their own special traits. if i can i would like to tell a story about each and every one of them but sadly i don't have the mood to do so. uh-huh. i am a person who goes by his moods. lets consider this as an introduction to TCSH friends. heheheheh.

will tell you guys more next time. my eyelids are giving in, they have no will power left in them. so until we meet next time, adios amigos.

The PACT by Jodi Picoult

It was simple. I had two weeks holiday and nothing to do. Not entirely true actually, i had maths homework to do, chemistry to revise, physics to look into and thinking skills to worry about. I grabbed the book, and I stared at it. Started leafing through it. You see i got it as a present from my teacher in high school. I was very much into novels and still am. I looked at the book. The cover page had a male and a female sitting with their backs facing us. And the second page had the same scenery, the same male figure but the female one was missing. Intriguing.

I started the book, like any one would actually. Just reading 20 pages here 10 pages there. But that changed. I don’t remember when or even what triggered the change. Could it be the fact that the male character, Christopher Harte, was 17 years old and by that age he had found his true love? Or the heaps of trouble he goes through when the only wrong he did was love Emily, his childhood friend, confidante, and finally lover? I don’t know. I still don’t know. But I began connecting to the book. As in, my thoughts were merged with the book. I was thinking what it would be like to be in his place. To be in Chris’s shoes and to watch his whole world crumble down right in front of him when all he did was love the girl who was, or so he thought was, his soul mate.

For the very first time, a book grabbed at me so hard that it made me shiver. When you reach a point where you knew you had loads of stuff on your hand but ignored everything and immersed yourself completely in the world of the two characters that seemed very real, you know that the book is good. I did it. The only time, i cried for a book was when I was reading Marley and Me. The only time, I felt my heart being wrenched away was when I read The Pact. Imagine this, I was actually praying for a character. I am not denying it. I felt these characters. For three days, I believed that I was actually living in their world, where true love actually existed. It was like watching a movie and then getting up and walking right into the television.

The funny thing was that these characters never had a definite face. Usually the introduction of a character means the entrance of a faceless individual into the picture. Then slowly an image came clear; a guy or a girl that I had seen in some hallmark movie or even a guy from an advertisement on NTV7. I don’t know whether it was suppose to be that way or that’s just me but I liked it. I also got to rework these images when the author throws in a detail in the next line. And the image would stay that way till the end of the book. For the first time, I had not had one steady image for Chris. He was a different guy every time I closed the book and opened it again.

I wish I could say more but I have got to reread the book again!!!..so thats all yeah!!... the pact is an awesome read and if you don’t try it, its your loss!!..

lost?

sometimes i feel, the real me has actually vanished. i know this may sound totally absurd, irrelevant and idiotically stupid. but it is what i feel and i think i should be honest about it here. it has been happening for sometime. i mean this me not being me or this ME actually being me without knowing whether the real me is the one being ME. yeah, its sort of complicated. i am absolutely lost. talking to friends about it is only going to make them think that i have gone crazy or i have a severe mental illness and that i am going to die soon. hahaha. neither of which are true. (i know you are disappointed).

lets start with me being all confusing. lets say what i am now is not really me. what if i am actually trying to be funny just because funny people are crowd favourites. is it me as in the REAL me being funny. yeap, its seriously mind-boggling. but then, i like being random and funny. it is true that some people kinda, sort of, hmmm...what would be the apt word?...hmmm..think that me being random is totally stupid. yeap, that sentence is has suffered some severe "malapropisms" (by the way, it ain't an illness, thank god right!! imagine the doctor telling you that you have malapropism and you will be like...WHAT?...haha). and yeah this is getting hard to explain as in, i don't really know whether there is a purpose for me to be typing this out here but yeah, i felt like it at the start of the post.

to put things clear or well, just take the veil of confusions off, i doubt myself now. as in, am i being ME? or am i being the ME people want me to be? i feel confused. nevertheless, i am feeling calm at the same time. i really don't know whether this is normal or should i be running to the psychiatrist now. oddly, not knowing me truly, has given me the chance to discover new things about me that i didn't know about me in the first place. yeah, i am confusing you again aren't i? well, in simpler terms (frankly i can't find simpler terms than the one i used in the sentence before this). i guess the element of surprise in it counts for it. i am amazed by the amount of things that actually interest me.

well, i am lost. my identity and my idiosyncrasies may still be there. but are they truly mine? hmmm. i honestly don't know. in a nutshell, i am enjoying being lost and am hoping not to be found until the very last second on earth.

Take a bow….

You showed up,

out of no where,

when i thought i could actually be happy,

genuinely fit in,

you proved me wrong,

 

every single step i took,

you wanted me to fall,

but you never said this,

for you wanted to be all-goody good,

standing right here,

i feel stupid,

for actually thinking about you,

for you are not worthy of my time,

or even my thoughts,

for i know one day,

your mask will fall,

your innocent facade will disappear,

and the people around you will walk away

when they know the true you,

but for now,

you can go ahead and take a bow,

but i want you to know that,

this bow will be your first step to fall.

funeral!!...

i should probably have a funeral for my blog!!....it's a dead blog.....literally!..LAME right?...sorry guys, seriously, i was trying my level best to find an opening for this!!...heheheeheh...

well, basicallly, nothing much is going on as planned and probbaly the world would end in 2012 (or hopefully 2011) so that less misery would fill my life.....okay okay....exaggeration alert!!...ehhehehe...college is okay!!...still cold and freezing but i think i am starting to acclimatise here....i don't shiver anymore. well of course, i am wearing my sweater, like duh!!...i ain't stupid you know...i think my lines are getting real random...one minute this and the next minute that!1...haiz....what the heck!1..i am extremely tired, i am currently hating the KTM....yes thats the reason i am tired.

now i am off to bed, my noise-making-irritatingly uncomfortable bed which has my beg underneateh it just to make sure if it breaks and i fall down, the time interval will be long!!...okay guys, ttfn....will update ya'll soon !!!

home - hartamas?

i am back at the place where students come every morning (except on saturdays and sundays, you don't just nod your head for everything, okay?) to attempt and gain some knowledge in the college situated here (now whats wrong with you, say okay in return, manners man?...*sigh*).



away from the sweet scent of HOME. so isn't sri hartamas my home ? yeah, you guessed it right, not yet!! (for those of you who didn't get it right go smack your head because that was the easiest and most expected answer ever, man!!! it doesn't have my parents, my irritating but sweet and never-in a-million-years-replaceable-siblings and LUCKY...i know most of you guys know Lucky but some strangers would have been "smart enough" to mark the word as a typo..( for those people who did that, please kindly proceed browsing through other blogs because this one is for me and he people who know me......and yeah those who have been following since the beginning also.. good thing i posted some pictures of Lucky, in the previous posts!!)



anyways, hartamas isn't home yet, but still, its alright here....i have friends, fun housemates and yeah a cranky bed but i ain't complaining (.....yet) . heheheheh...

wait wait....something interesting just happened....my roommate just brought in an induction cooker!!1....talk to you guys later (hey, you , yeah, the one saying that i can't actually talk here....we have unfinished business for now okay?...)

the Insane is a year older!!

yup, its official!!... the Insane is getting better at being insane!!...i am now legally 18...oooooooo (dramatic effect)...(spotlights on me now!!)....and i shout " hey, you...yes you....I AM 18!!!...

AND YES!!!.....I AM GETTING MORE AND MORE INSANE!!!"



well, i had a wonderful day with my group of favourite people with whom i had spent my entire secondary school life with, and honestly, these are the kind of people with whom you would want to be with for the rest of your life...Yes, they are simply awesome!!....went for the movie that was simply stunning in visuals and storyline...yup what else...INCEPTION....one word rating....AWESOME!!...and my too-good-to-be-true-friend (who is just so adamant in the nicest way possible) refused to take money from me...i felt slightly guilty though!!...

after the super duper cool movie, my friends and i headed to KFC for lunch!!...i tried persuading them to let me treat them for the meal but they gang-ed up against me....well, it was 8 -1...you can guess which team won!!...later, we decided to go watch some of my friends trying to play pool!!...yes, there was some pool-ball-flying action...hehe....

then it was time to head back!!...and i forgot to mention that one of my friends actually made me a jar of mulberry jam!!....and after tasting it, i would recommend her jam to every single soul on this planet that is still able to taste the wonderfully sweet jam!! no man should be deprived off the privilege to taste this jam ......loved it!!...

all in all, i loved "today"!!... i met a lot of my friends whom i hadn't met in awhile....and we talked and laughed.....just the way it was when we were all in the same class a year back!!.... the punches from a friend, the pokes from another, and the ever-lively personalities from all....

i love my friends....seriously, i do not know whether i would have survived secondary school without them....i just wish we were all in the same college but that would make things just perfect...and perfectness is not achievable in this world...at least not in this case...

the post will end now!!...and the Insane wants you guys to know that he is very hyper and happy!!....xoxo

life update!!!...

i know it has been long since i blogged but at least i am doing it now right!! considering the fact that this is going to be one of the longest update ever on this blog, i am going to break it up into two posts!!.. since i don't really want to give out all the details and make it boring as hell, i might as well do it in point form!!...

i'll start from where we left off....TNB interview!!

1. didn't get the TNB scholarship.
2. was called for JPA scholarship interview
3. went there with the same out-fit which i wore for the TNB interview
4. all in all, the interview was fine..and i was less nervous compared to the TNB one
5. was called for TM scholarship camp (3 days 2 nights...can you believe it??..haiz)
6. had a jolly good time at the camp which was held in NUBE, PD.
7. met a lot of new friends and well, one old one (hua chiam)..hehe
8. few days after, got an email from TM informing me that i was shortlisted for their interview
9. jumped up and down screaming YAY (which would be exotically idiotic now, seeing the fact that almost 38 of us got shortlisted and there were only 11 scholarships)
10. went for the TM interview in the big and expensive and scary looking Menara TM....
11. arrived there and met with a few friends from the camp
12. heard from one of them that out of the 11, 2 would be employee's children. (just great ain't it!!)
13. went inside, and the interviewers were all fine and welcoming but with a tone that was sarcastic and making fun of.
14. it was a group session, and well it was alright.
15. after two weeks, i found out that i was not one of their recipients...haiz...
16. then jpa results came out and guess what i didn't get the overseas programme, so much for dreaming for once in a lifetime experience, hahahah
17. the next week, i found out that i was successful for appeal and got the local scholarship from jpa....but it was in UNITEN...haiz...another major problem!!

will continue in the next post!!..chiao people!!..

INTERVIEW part 2

if you could see my face rite now....you would be probably laughing....because i am smiling ear to ear trying to apologise for what i have not been able to do... my interview part 2 was due the very next day after interview part 1 but then i had debates practise with my juniors and had another interview with a camp to attend...so it had been lagged up till now... so here it goes...I'll try to make it short and sweet (can't believe i actually said that...eewww)

first off..let me pick off where i left you guys... yup the entrance..
we (that is me and my fellow comrades who happened to be in the same group as i was) walked into the room with politeness seeping out of our sweat pores and smiles that actually hurt our lips (well...i don't really know about the others but i was doing that). there were three of them and 6 of us. even though we were larger in quantity they were like giants in our eyes. they looked at us, flashed a short smile and gestured us to take our respective seats.

then it was on. well...not really. they just asked us to talk about our self. then blar blar blar...done with myself..next talk about TNB whatever you know about TNB...the regurgitating process started here, every single detail from its operating revenue to its worth of assets....and i think i talked too much because one of THEM had to say " wow, that is sufficient aravin" to actually stop me....oops bummer...

next was the debate. THE MOTION WAS THAT THIS HOUSE BELIEVES THAT TECHNOLOGY MAKES MAN LAZY. the prime minister( the guy beside me) was called upon to present his case while sitting and looking like an idiot (cheh...we all do it...because in a debate we are not supposed to seat...haiz...i don't know man...how they run that huge a place when they don't even know the simple rules of debating...hahahahahaha....just kidding man...don't take it seriously). he was saying something about inventions making our life easier but making it lazier instead. some thing about elevators making our muscles in our legs in active and stuff (heheh...because i was too busy trying to oppose the motion, i wasn't really listening)

then, the 1st opposition came up ( not really, i was still sitting). i said that technology is not to be blamed for man's laziness and that it is man who should be blamed and stuff, i got carried away with saying that technology was merely making man's life easier and also helping man get healthy in a way for inventions like the thread mill give man the ability to workout in his home...and all the boring stuff (well, i really like my last line though, ITS HIGH TIME WE STOP BLAMING TECHNOLOGY FOR EVERYTHING AND START REALISING THE TRUTH. WE HAVE A PROBLEM AND WE ARE OUR PROBLEM)...that took up the two minutes they gave to present....after that i completely switched off and was trying to justify (in my mind of course) whatever i said out aloud.

after that, they said the session was over and asked us whether we had any questions or not. of course all of us just smiled and said NO. then, we said our THANK YOU's and walked out.

that was all that happened , and nothing more. until next time xoxo.

this is really CRAZY....

my jpa interview is today and i am hours away from it, yet i can still sit here and blog....
aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh..... someone HELP ME...

INTERVIEW experience...(part 1)

i would say it was a very nice experience getting shortlisted. the interview was alright i guess.

well I'll just sum the process...

1. arrive in the very BIG posh campus with amazing architecture
2. look like an idiot wearing shirt and slacks
3. go in the registration room to find a bunch of quiet people
4. look around like a lost dog
5. find the registration counter
6. register and smile like a donkey while saying THANK YOU
7. sit down and wait
8. look left and right thinking of whether to speak first or to wait and be spoken to
9. speak to a dude beside me without exposing too much of my craziness
10. enter the small briefing room
11. a guy talks on how hard it is to get a scholarship and that we are lucky to get this far
12. first group of students (6 of them) enter the DOOMSDAY room
13. talk like a mad maniac (nerves got to me, i just had to be myself) to the persons beside me (both sides)
14. 1st group of students come out with faces of ten year olds who just got their POKEMON cards confiscated

then, it was my group's turn....

and this is the part where i say...I'll continue with part 2 later because it is hilarious and i need time to put it together..hehehehehe....so farewell for now

current status: unstable

as many of u know i had good results for my spm ( 8 A+ and 2A). lately, i have been busy applying for scholarships...well, i want to do chemical engineering ( accountancy is my second option). i have my driving thing to work out since i haven't even sat for the "undang" test yet....haiz....yes i have a lot of things to do.

PLKN is over and i totally loved my time there. i met a lot of cool people there ( and a lot of not-so-cool people too). it was one of the best experiences i have ever had. i got to kayak, and climb a huge wooden wall (felt like spiderman)...hehheheheh...my techniques were wrong though until the instructor kind a told me that "apa....nak jadi spiderman..ke ??" the instructors there at kem karisma were the best. they were young, strict but funny, helpful but humiliating, friendly but nasty...all at the same time. love the people there.

and now....i am just hoping to get a scholarship to A-levels....because i really do not want to do form 6. i am considering INTI , Taylor's, and sunway since they are giving scholarships in the form of tuition fee waiver....so currently my status is unstable.

that's all for now...catch ya later..

quick update.......

well, first HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR TO ALL FRIENDS.......then HAPPY VALENTINES to all......

i m back from PLKN...for CNY holz....and so far i m loving the activities and everything about PLKN.
i had no idea that it would be this fun....it's really cool people....don't ever miss the chance if u ever get chosen...

and yeah....of course i am as dark as i can be........

i'll tell u guys more abt the activities once i have finished the whole programme....ok?....

i got nothing else to tell u guys at this moment.....so have fun indulging yourself in all those chinese cuisines this new year....and don't forget to get heart-shaped chocolates for your loved ones ( put roses on that list too....k.)

take care people....and chiao......