this is what i have learned.....

i make mistakes and i love them. for i gain loads from making a mistake than i would gain in winning a lottery. of course not literally. so now what?......NOW i leave you to think about the frustrations that you had over the mistakes and whether it was worth the lesson. i am going to be doing the same.

holidays for me

hi guys, its been long since you last heard from me. and yes, my exams are over but the sickly feeling of messing things up in exams hasn't dissipated into thin air just yet. i am back at seremban, longing to see my friends before they get too busy with christmas and new year celebrations. yup, thats pretty much it!!!. can't wait to see you guys.

confused?

i don't know about you , but i definitely am. its literally 2 in the morning and i am sitting here at the heart of the unit which is this wooden table right in the middle of the living room, all alone. basically, i am here once again, because i have nowhere else to go. and i am confused. why? why? why does it have to be the freaking ME, who is always confused.?

well, here goes, i am confused about my actions. you see, sometimes, my actions aren't really what is right to my heart and sometimes, when thought of carefully, they are not necessarily logical or even sensible. okay that last part didn't even make sense. anyways, thats what i am talking about, i am here again, with my Maths past year questions laying right in front of me but i have no mood to do it. no mood in the sense i look at the questions and look away with my mind drifting off somewhere else. i hate this feeling. its icky and irrelevant but i really don't know how to make it go away.

and oh yeah, the confusion kicked in like some time last week or something. i have good friends. wait, thats a lie. i have GREAT friends. but sadly, i kinda think i am more complex than what they view me as. the complexity is very difficult to be explained. i don't know. i just don't know. and you know i might not lock myself in the room and blast the radio and then scream or anything but technically, thats what i truthfully want to do at times. you know why? because sometimes, i just can't say things that go on in my head for it will complicate things.

ohhh well, at least i have you guys to vent out to.

ssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

sometimes, you just want to scream out something but you can't. why? because screaming it out will ruin your life; in other words will plunge the single strand of hope that you have been hanging onto into the abyss of darkness where it will disintegrate particle by particle and you wouldn't be able to see it because you won't be alive. thats exactly how i feel right now!!.

i have so much things to say. so many questions that need answers but i am not going to ask them for i am actually scared what the answers might unveil. don't get any wrong ideas here, these are normal teen break-apart moments. and its not really that serious but its just here and i think i just have to write it out or it will eat inside out.

now something else bothers me. you see when you write it out on a blog, the questions stay. so many years from now, if i look back at my posts and i come across the questions that weren't answered now, i might be filled with regret later. so i have decided not to tell you guys.

am i doing the right thing? i am not sure but i just needed someone to talk to. it would be awkward if it was a face to face conversation so i chose you guys. now you know something is bothering me. but you don't need to ask what's wrong when you meet me in person. better still, please don't ask. because i am quite sure i won't be able to answer you. there would be awkward silence and then the cricket sound. and oh yeah, the questions are for me to ponder on and to think twice before deciding whether i really want to know the answers.

i have nothing to hide, the questions aren't about anyone but me. so let me just disappear now and try finding myself who i am kinda detached to at times.

well, lets just get on with it.

hmmm, i have been an awful blogger. i admit that. i don't blame you guys for not reading my blog anymore. TCSH has not turned me into an anti-social freak of nature who does not update his friends on blogger about his life. that bit i can assure.

i am now home for the weekend. sitting on my bed and attempting to do something productive. i should let you guys know about the friends i have made at TCSH. well words do not do justice to the level of awesome-ness they are. and guys here at Seremban, i would say the friends that i have made at TCSH are very different from you guys and that is good because i would never want to compare you guys to anyone. i give you my word if both of these groups clash, you guys would fit in like a key would in a lock made for it. yup, that's them up there, uh huh. they do look like a crazy bunch don't they? well, pictures don't lie. they are a crazy bunch but they are lovely people at the same time.

every single one of them have their own special traits. if i can i would like to tell a story about each and every one of them but sadly i don't have the mood to do so. uh-huh. i am a person who goes by his moods. lets consider this as an introduction to TCSH friends. heheheheh.

will tell you guys more next time. my eyelids are giving in, they have no will power left in them. so until we meet next time, adios amigos.

The PACT by Jodi Picoult

It was simple. I had two weeks holiday and nothing to do. Not entirely true actually, i had maths homework to do, chemistry to revise, physics to look into and thinking skills to worry about. I grabbed the book, and I stared at it. Started leafing through it. You see i got it as a present from my teacher in high school. I was very much into novels and still am. I looked at the book. The cover page had a male and a female sitting with their backs facing us. And the second page had the same scenery, the same male figure but the female one was missing. Intriguing.

I started the book, like any one would actually. Just reading 20 pages here 10 pages there. But that changed. I don’t remember when or even what triggered the change. Could it be the fact that the male character, Christopher Harte, was 17 years old and by that age he had found his true love? Or the heaps of trouble he goes through when the only wrong he did was love Emily, his childhood friend, confidante, and finally lover? I don’t know. I still don’t know. But I began connecting to the book. As in, my thoughts were merged with the book. I was thinking what it would be like to be in his place. To be in Chris’s shoes and to watch his whole world crumble down right in front of him when all he did was love the girl who was, or so he thought was, his soul mate.

For the very first time, a book grabbed at me so hard that it made me shiver. When you reach a point where you knew you had loads of stuff on your hand but ignored everything and immersed yourself completely in the world of the two characters that seemed very real, you know that the book is good. I did it. The only time, i cried for a book was when I was reading Marley and Me. The only time, I felt my heart being wrenched away was when I read The Pact. Imagine this, I was actually praying for a character. I am not denying it. I felt these characters. For three days, I believed that I was actually living in their world, where true love actually existed. It was like watching a movie and then getting up and walking right into the television.

The funny thing was that these characters never had a definite face. Usually the introduction of a character means the entrance of a faceless individual into the picture. Then slowly an image came clear; a guy or a girl that I had seen in some hallmark movie or even a guy from an advertisement on NTV7. I don’t know whether it was suppose to be that way or that’s just me but I liked it. I also got to rework these images when the author throws in a detail in the next line. And the image would stay that way till the end of the book. For the first time, I had not had one steady image for Chris. He was a different guy every time I closed the book and opened it again.

I wish I could say more but I have got to reread the book again!!!..so thats all yeah!!... the pact is an awesome read and if you don’t try it, its your loss!!..

lost?

sometimes i feel, the real me has actually vanished. i know this may sound totally absurd, irrelevant and idiotically stupid. but it is what i feel and i think i should be honest about it here. it has been happening for sometime. i mean this me not being me or this ME actually being me without knowing whether the real me is the one being ME. yeah, its sort of complicated. i am absolutely lost. talking to friends about it is only going to make them think that i have gone crazy or i have a severe mental illness and that i am going to die soon. hahaha. neither of which are true. (i know you are disappointed).

lets start with me being all confusing. lets say what i am now is not really me. what if i am actually trying to be funny just because funny people are crowd favourites. is it me as in the REAL me being funny. yeap, its seriously mind-boggling. but then, i like being random and funny. it is true that some people kinda, sort of, hmmm...what would be the apt word?...hmmm..think that me being random is totally stupid. yeap, that sentence is has suffered some severe "malapropisms" (by the way, it ain't an illness, thank god right!! imagine the doctor telling you that you have malapropism and you will be like...WHAT?...haha). and yeah this is getting hard to explain as in, i don't really know whether there is a purpose for me to be typing this out here but yeah, i felt like it at the start of the post.

to put things clear or well, just take the veil of confusions off, i doubt myself now. as in, am i being ME? or am i being the ME people want me to be? i feel confused. nevertheless, i am feeling calm at the same time. i really don't know whether this is normal or should i be running to the psychiatrist now. oddly, not knowing me truly, has given me the chance to discover new things about me that i didn't know about me in the first place. yeah, i am confusing you again aren't i? well, in simpler terms (frankly i can't find simpler terms than the one i used in the sentence before this). i guess the element of surprise in it counts for it. i am amazed by the amount of things that actually interest me.

well, i am lost. my identity and my idiosyncrasies may still be there. but are they truly mine? hmmm. i honestly don't know. in a nutshell, i am enjoying being lost and am hoping not to be found until the very last second on earth.