lost?

sometimes i feel, the real me has actually vanished. i know this may sound totally absurd, irrelevant and idiotically stupid. but it is what i feel and i think i should be honest about it here. it has been happening for sometime. i mean this me not being me or this ME actually being me without knowing whether the real me is the one being ME. yeah, its sort of complicated. i am absolutely lost. talking to friends about it is only going to make them think that i have gone crazy or i have a severe mental illness and that i am going to die soon. hahaha. neither of which are true. (i know you are disappointed).

lets start with me being all confusing. lets say what i am now is not really me. what if i am actually trying to be funny just because funny people are crowd favourites. is it me as in the REAL me being funny. yeap, its seriously mind-boggling. but then, i like being random and funny. it is true that some people kinda, sort of, hmmm...what would be the apt word?...hmmm..think that me being random is totally stupid. yeap, that sentence is has suffered some severe "malapropisms" (by the way, it ain't an illness, thank god right!! imagine the doctor telling you that you have malapropism and you will be like...WHAT?...haha). and yeah this is getting hard to explain as in, i don't really know whether there is a purpose for me to be typing this out here but yeah, i felt like it at the start of the post.

to put things clear or well, just take the veil of confusions off, i doubt myself now. as in, am i being ME? or am i being the ME people want me to be? i feel confused. nevertheless, i am feeling calm at the same time. i really don't know whether this is normal or should i be running to the psychiatrist now. oddly, not knowing me truly, has given me the chance to discover new things about me that i didn't know about me in the first place. yeah, i am confusing you again aren't i? well, in simpler terms (frankly i can't find simpler terms than the one i used in the sentence before this). i guess the element of surprise in it counts for it. i am amazed by the amount of things that actually interest me.

well, i am lost. my identity and my idiosyncrasies may still be there. but are they truly mine? hmmm. i honestly don't know. in a nutshell, i am enjoying being lost and am hoping not to be found until the very last second on earth.

INTERVIEW experience...(part 1)

i would say it was a very nice experience getting shortlisted. the interview was alright i guess.

well I'll just sum the process...

1. arrive in the very BIG posh campus with amazing architecture
2. look like an idiot wearing shirt and slacks
3. go in the registration room to find a bunch of quiet people
4. look around like a lost dog
5. find the registration counter
6. register and smile like a donkey while saying THANK YOU
7. sit down and wait
8. look left and right thinking of whether to speak first or to wait and be spoken to
9. speak to a dude beside me without exposing too much of my craziness
10. enter the small briefing room
11. a guy talks on how hard it is to get a scholarship and that we are lucky to get this far
12. first group of students (6 of them) enter the DOOMSDAY room
13. talk like a mad maniac (nerves got to me, i just had to be myself) to the persons beside me (both sides)
14. 1st group of students come out with faces of ten year olds who just got their POKEMON cards confiscated

then, it was my group's turn....

and this is the part where i say...I'll continue with part 2 later because it is hilarious and i need time to put it together..hehehehehe....so farewell for now

.a question to all.....

i am confused. whether to listen to my friends who are asking me to differ NS and go for college or to go for NS like i planned earlier......its like...why you want to go and waste time there when you can join a college and start early.....and my dad is like it will be a new experience, go for it... i am confused.......

i am really dumbfounded. help me.....what do you guys think.....should i go or not?

i am who i am

i have been called a lot of things; an ogre, a gorilla, a girl, a chicken, a weirdo and why even a nonsenscical jerk. but i am non of those. i am who i am. who am i? good question. aren't we all trying to find the best answer possible for that?

i dunno lar. i am confused. why? i don't know. about what? i don't know. i just came back from a fren's palce and i feel like crap. its like i have not been acting my age. u know its like one moment i am the happiest man on earth and the next i have sunk to the deepest of the seas. am i acting my age?

its like i have to u know....some how....be 17 but according to people i am still acting like i am in lower secondary or sumthin like that. i dun even know what i am typing this for.....

what do u guys think......am i supposed to be who i am or be the grown up guy everybody expects of me??????

unknown number.....

there was this moment
you were sitting next to the person beside me
and i was wondering
will we still be frens
after our time in secondary school

we laughed
we talked
we joked
and we ate

then suddenly
my phone vibrates
i looked at the unknown number
called that number
but no one answered

we continued laughing
we continued talking
we continued joking
and then again
the unknown number

i ignored it this time
before i knew it
it was time to bid farewell
for the lunch was over

everybody started moving
i looked around
searching for a friend
of ten years
then i see him

gladly stood beside him
and i saw his family
heading towards the exit
he said bye
i said bye

he looked at me
and smiled
"it was me"
he said showing
his phone

i laughed
and slapped him
on his shoulder
"how dare you"
i asked, smiling

then he left.....
after that i left too.

my new puppy....

well, after drowning in my sorrows for such a long time, i am going to post my new schnauzer terrier mix puppy's (LUCKY) photos on my blog....yay....but don't expect me to update alot because trials is around the corner and it is only right if i start preparing now......

ps: the first photo is from the net....you know just to give you the feel of how it is suppose to look like when it is older...hahahahahahah

national service.....

damn. yes, i got chosen for it. can you believe it. most of my friends did not get chosen. well in my class, only about 10 students go it. well it is definitely good news for those who didn't get it. i must be very unlucky for my sister got it last year and i am 'supposed to be' immune because there was this rumour that only one child from a family would get it. sick man.

it's not like i hate it. i am willing to go but my mindset is that it is a total waste of time. 3 long months. its like crap you know. it is supposed to instill discipline in us and encourage integration. it's bogus. clearly, we will only hang out with the guys that we know there right. from the 48 students in my class, i am one of the very few unlucky ones. i consider it very unlucky if i didn't get a friend to go with in the same batch and site.

its like i want to go but at the same time i don't want to go. some of the sites have very good facilities and superb management and friendly instructors but some are just the total opposite of all that. you know. my sister says that the food there sucks and the only meal that is nice there is the breakfast (American style, what). the place she went to was really cool (and cold). and most of the times it would rain and the march practice would be cancelled. i really do hope i get the same site as hers (bukit asahan in melaka)

but then again, i am planning to do my SAM programme next January. i don't really want to rely on JPA (for my sister and my dad learnt their lesson in doing just that. it's a complicated thing really. you wouldn't understand if you haven't gone through it. and i am also worried that it would affect my results because i keep wondering what will happen to me in NS rather than studying. *sigh*. its really sort of stupid really. well, i have to go out already. more updates coming, alright.

more than words....

yesterday at about 11.00 am my dog, naxy was put to sleep. it has had disease since last year. it had bleeding ever since but still alive and active though. you have seen it right. it had brown coat of fur and streaks of white here and there. it was my companion for about 8 year you know. it was a very very smart dog. it may not have been obedient but it was the best thing that had happened to me. there would be a huge smile on it's face, it could tell it was so happy.

yesterday, the vet came to my house just to check how bad was the disease. he confirmed that the disease had worsened and there was no way to treat it for even though he tried it would only hurt him. he said that naxy had suffered real bad throughout this infection. the only way to relieve him from the pain and torture was to put to sleep. that moment i broke down and cried. i cried like the most idiotic person on earth. if anyone saw me they would have confirmed there was a death in my family. but it was like that. naxy was my brother. a member of the family ever since i was a toddler. he played with me. he licked me , chased me around the house. he also caused havoc wherever he went but that was what made him special. if not for all those things, he would not have been my dog.

i am like a death man right now. it is as though a part of me had been chipped away heartlessly. the pain is just unbearable. the doctor also called someone to help us dig a grave in a free place. he brought my lifeless best friend there and we followed him. me and my mother with my brother. it was painful to let go of him.

seriously i could not have had a better dog than naxy.he might have been unruly disobedient and just playful but he was my friend, companion, brother and everything i could ever wish for. i had said goodbye to him with a hug. he was just so good a friend. well that's all i got to tell for the pain i am feeling right now and the love i have for him are things that aren't explainable in words.

weeee...mid year exam is over...

yup, mid year exam is over. i am happy for that but i am also scared that there are only 3 more months for trials. need not say about SPM. currently i am indulging myself with novels and taking a break from the havoc of studies.

today we celebrated teacher's day at school. it was fun and all. i gave my well-worthy teachers apples and chocolates. well, i walked around the whole school with my buddy and spent almost the whole day doing nothing but talking to friends, making nonsensical jokes, wishing teachers and reading Agatha Christie.

yesterday, one of my closest friends was scolded by an angry teacher. and (its not a surprise is it?) he was not the one to be blamed for. (some of the teachers are like that...*wink* starts with a 'c'...*wink*) technically, she was the one who didn't (still doesn't) know the difference between a secretary's work and a president's.

for that friend of mine,
dude, just forget about what she said, you know you are doing the right thing, just carry on doing it and she will realise her wrong. don't give in or fall into the abyss of ignorance set up by her.heheheheh( wow, dramatic much)

alright then, i will keep updating. but tata for now.......

2008 ( i know it's so yesterday....literally)

well, guys, 2008 has been one of those years that i will never forget (that's what they always say, ask me a year from now and i'll tell you that nothing really important happened in that year).

last year (i mean that yesterday's "this year") was really fun. i had tonnes and tonnes of laughther with my friends. seriously, (last year was not serious at all). the things we did. haiz. and i did get in trouble quite a lot, (not for what i did, mostly for what i didn't do........and no, it was not homework). loved today's "last year", because, that was the very first year i was with ALL my friends ( note that form 3 does not count because i was too busy studying my head off).

the achivements that i 'achieved' last year is not important. (yeah....rrrriiiiigggghhhhhtttt). the posts and all are totally boring to be stated here ( and i don't want to sound like a stuck-up-proud-snob). more importantly, in that year i discovered this new hobby, yes, reading. i read about 25 novels last year (yes, some were really really short and there were a lot of novels by Agatha Christie). reading has beeen my ultimate escape and i only noticed it last year,( can you believe it?).

my friends. well, this post would not be complete if it did not have my friends in it. my friends were (and will always be) the best in the world (last year, this year must wait and see). i got to know a lot of knew ones too. anne was one of them but now she is far away in Australia. Thambhi (that's priyadharshan) is also one of them, he was from St Paul (now he is in MY school....naynanaynanaynanay)

to put it in a nutshell (nutshells are very small, you know), my life blossomed last year. loved it. sad to see that that year has come to an end. and the beginning of this (monstrous) 2009. (of course, its SPM). anyways, Happy New Year , y'all.

life ( at least for me ) is fair.....

before i get down to business, this post does not go out to anyone specifically, seriously, this thought just came to me, and i had to write it down. if it hurt any one's feelings, i am terribly sorry.

the thing that i love about Life is that we are in control of it. i am not saying that you control life. i am just stating that you shape your life. like a plasticine for example, life is the plasticine and you are since our lives are intertwined, so i guess making a change in your life is bound to give an impact on others' ; because their lives will give an impact to others. somehow, our lives are interconnected.

we always have a choice. to do or not to do. this is the best part of it. choices. it's like we can choose what we want. at times, it is difficult but ,hey, remember that the choices that you make will give impact to others. taking your life in control is quite impossible (if you think of it carefully), but once you have it under control, you will know your destination; where to get down (or UP).

from the view of the public, you waste your life with miss use of drugs and smoking ,(which is quite true, actually, they will only make your life span shorter). but do you know you can waste your life in a different way? well, there is this one way. you would have heard of it. it's complaining that life is unfair.

you see. NOW, OPEN YOUR EYES WIDE AND SEE CAREFULLY. complaining and whining that life is unfair will definitely get you nowhere. if you really see where i am going, nod. if you keep on complaining that life is unfair because this happened to me .....and this did not come to me.....i did not get it.....i deserve it.....EVERYBODY, can you hear yourselves now. this is how you truly sound. complainers, whiners. did you ever think why that happened to you before you go on doing the thing you always do, complain. have you ever wondered before that those 'unfairness' in life is due to your actions earlier? I DON'T THINK SO.

seriously, look beyond the veil of complains and you will see Life waiting for you to take control of it. i know, some of you'll out there are in denial, and probably you are going to navigate away from my page but, think carefully, and you will know that what i am saying is true (and makes sense). before you complain about life, look behind your back first, what you did in the past is trailing you behind. loose the knot THE PAST had tied to you and be free. at least now, you know your destination. your aim and goal. go for it with the perception that life is fair. what goes around comes back around. think properly. take actions with the thought that they carry consequences.

LIFE IS SO FAIR.

recent happenings......

okay, my friend Julian introduced this riddle game, Zahada, to me and it is A-W-E-S-O-M-E. the riddles are quite difficult and challenging. it makes your brain crack like a fragile pot dropped ten times. even to get to the website is a riddle by itself. heheheheheheh. i am enjoying every single one of the riddle so far. level 25 already, you know.

read a lot of books. okay, okay, only three. i have not started studying yet, maybe next week. loving the free time i am having. indulging my self with non-stop television, songs, and books.
currently, i love my life.