i am who i am

i have been called a lot of things; an ogre, a gorilla, a girl, a chicken, a weirdo and why even a nonsenscical jerk. but i am non of those. i am who i am. who am i? good question. aren't we all trying to find the best answer possible for that?

i dunno lar. i am confused. why? i don't know. about what? i don't know. i just came back from a fren's palce and i feel like crap. its like i have not been acting my age. u know its like one moment i am the happiest man on earth and the next i have sunk to the deepest of the seas. am i acting my age?

its like i have to u know....some how....be 17 but according to people i am still acting like i am in lower secondary or sumthin like that. i dun even know what i am typing this for.....

what do u guys think......am i supposed to be who i am or be the grown up guy everybody expects of me??????

clothes......

a lot of things change. names change, friends change, initials change, television programmes change, relationships change, and even humans change. once a kind hearted man could change into a greedy money-loving idiot in a few days. change can be good, nevertheless change can be bad too.

my life has been turned upside down; completely changed. from a low caste cart puller, i have now become the designer who has become an overnight success. thanks to Project Runway. i design clothes for both men and women. during the competition i designed a lot of clothes and those were the creation of my imagination. i let my mind wander into the worlds of materials and fabrics. like a horse let loose, it ran wildly. my creations were alive and they had a mind on their own. they would whisper to me the way to cut, sew and assemble them. the judges called my works 'unpredictable', 'magnificent' and 'superbly wonderful'.

i became the newbie who made headlines in the world of fashion. the baby face designer who would earn thousands for his next line of designs. i was the envy of all. my life turned a complete 180 degrees, from living a hut , i now own the biggest bungalow in Beverly Hills. i have jennifer lopez in speed dial and my neighbour is justin timberlake. the ones that i have drooled over are now my closest friends. no more singlets and khaki shorts, its tuxedo and t-shirts with jeans.

but i am not happy. the fabrics have gone mute. i can't hear them anymore. when i touch them, there is no feelings, no affection. nothing. i create clothes which are not mine. highly demanded they have lost their authenticity. they are not mine. look at the set of clothes hung up there, next the cabinet. they are my next line of design. all added up, they would probably bring me millions. i suppose. however i have made up my mind. i don't want that money. i want 'me' back. i want the whisper of the fabrics back.

i looked at them , a short glance over the clothes that didn't belong to me. its high time i made a decision. now, i shall act on it. i grasped the match box from the table beside me. a fast swip of the match, and i saw my freedom. my way out. its time. i threw the lighted match onto the pile of clothes in front of me. they caught on light. i saw happiness ahead, freedom and the old me. i walked out of there with the satisfaction of correcting my wrong.

silence.....

the silence was torture. not a word said or one received for a whole hour. sure, i talked with those who talked to me but that does not count as i am not talking, i am just answering, forced to, unwillingly. he just kept doing his work and i did mine.

waiting for a question to end the misery brought no results, only more time wasted. my eyes slide to the side where he sat doing his mathematics and narrating the equations to himself. a friend for so long. fights came and went, but we remained the same, friends. not a day have i not spoken to him in school (alright, maybe just a few). today, the misunderstanding was different, in the sense that neither of us have apologized yet.

i sat there wondering, should i break down my wall of ego and apologize but something held me back. i got back to my mathematics. time passed, and the silence persisted. the thought of returning home with the question How long will it continue? haunted me.

i called him an imbecile, a word that is the total opposite of him. but it was just a joke, meant to be laughed at five minutes later. but laughter never came, joy left without a word, and friendship sailed far away.

the school bell which usually brought relief to my mind, went off startling a few sensors, Just say sorry, but i just kept packing my bag. my bag was packed, and he was placing some books in his. now is a good time, just say sorry. i stood up, hoping that he would just say 'wait', but it never came. my feet took a few steps away from him, when my heart told me to wait. Ego took over, i walked away, leaving him behind.

taking very slow steps ,praying that he would catch up, i reached the canteen. i turned around and saw him walking, but he never acknowledged me so i turned away. at that moment, i realised my wrong, unfortunately when i turned he disappeared. i walked down the corridor alone, with no smile on my face, probably the first time this year.

when i reached the school gates, i saw him walking towards his car. i did want to walk up to him and end the silence but i didn't. i took a few steps forward but then, he kept on walking so, i stopped and turned around. Maybe tomorrow.

P.S.: this kinda like happened except for the last part, a bit different. i had a misunderstanding with my closest friend and i am keeping my fingers crossed that he would forgive me .

A World for Herself.....

living in a world that is made for you is bliss, better still, is living in a world created by you. it takes two second to say that, but is it that easy to create a world? the days shereen has wondered about leaving town and starting a new life elsewhere are many. but something was stopping her. something so powerful that it managed to change her mind everytime she packed her bag and decided to leave.


her clothes are all packed and the last of the zippers have been closed. she sits on the bed thinking over the events that have happened in the past few months of her life. she has no one here anymore. it is not like she had some one all the time with her. its just that belonging to Jack for the past two months felt safe and secure to her. she is scared that the minute she leaves, that safety and security will vanish too.


Jack had the most romantic eyes, and the dimple that follows his smile was to die for. the way he held her hands, Shereen knew he would never let go till the end of the earth. tears start to trail off her cheeks, as she searches for the reason he left. was it her fault? did she not love him as much as he loved her? those rough manly hands are here no more to hold her.

where is she to go? what can she do to survive? as she closes her eyes, the scene where he walks out of the door unveils in her mind.

you worthless, piece of junk. you are nothing to me. i can find another girl, and all i need for that is a small smile, and the queue for my next bride-to-be will be enough to trace the diameter of the earth. you get that in your mind. that was the last thing he said.

she knew even before it was over, that their relationship was not going to last forever. the thing about love is that you never know whether it is true love or otherwise until you realize that you would want to spent the rest of your life with them. he left, because he knew it was just lust. what is she still doing in that house?

she opens her eyes, glances around the room and tries remembering all the good times she had in it. the memories are fresh, but she doesn't want them in her chapter of love life. she gets up, grabs her suitcase, and walks out of the room. she does not have a plan but she knows she has to leave. she doesn't want to live in Jack's world anymore. she wants to create a world where jerks like Jack would not exist and in that world she wants to be happy. she closes the door, and leaves, never turning back.