confused?

i don't know about you , but i definitely am. its literally 2 in the morning and i am sitting here at the heart of the unit which is this wooden table right in the middle of the living room, all alone. basically, i am here once again, because i have nowhere else to go. and i am confused. why? why? why does it have to be the freaking ME, who is always confused.?

well, here goes, i am confused about my actions. you see, sometimes, my actions aren't really what is right to my heart and sometimes, when thought of carefully, they are not necessarily logical or even sensible. okay that last part didn't even make sense. anyways, thats what i am talking about, i am here again, with my Maths past year questions laying right in front of me but i have no mood to do it. no mood in the sense i look at the questions and look away with my mind drifting off somewhere else. i hate this feeling. its icky and irrelevant but i really don't know how to make it go away.

and oh yeah, the confusion kicked in like some time last week or something. i have good friends. wait, thats a lie. i have GREAT friends. but sadly, i kinda think i am more complex than what they view me as. the complexity is very difficult to be explained. i don't know. i just don't know. and you know i might not lock myself in the room and blast the radio and then scream or anything but technically, thats what i truthfully want to do at times. you know why? because sometimes, i just can't say things that go on in my head for it will complicate things.

ohhh well, at least i have you guys to vent out to.

ssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

sometimes, you just want to scream out something but you can't. why? because screaming it out will ruin your life; in other words will plunge the single strand of hope that you have been hanging onto into the abyss of darkness where it will disintegrate particle by particle and you wouldn't be able to see it because you won't be alive. thats exactly how i feel right now!!.

i have so much things to say. so many questions that need answers but i am not going to ask them for i am actually scared what the answers might unveil. don't get any wrong ideas here, these are normal teen break-apart moments. and its not really that serious but its just here and i think i just have to write it out or it will eat inside out.

now something else bothers me. you see when you write it out on a blog, the questions stay. so many years from now, if i look back at my posts and i come across the questions that weren't answered now, i might be filled with regret later. so i have decided not to tell you guys.

am i doing the right thing? i am not sure but i just needed someone to talk to. it would be awkward if it was a face to face conversation so i chose you guys. now you know something is bothering me. but you don't need to ask what's wrong when you meet me in person. better still, please don't ask. because i am quite sure i won't be able to answer you. there would be awkward silence and then the cricket sound. and oh yeah, the questions are for me to ponder on and to think twice before deciding whether i really want to know the answers.

i have nothing to hide, the questions aren't about anyone but me. so let me just disappear now and try finding myself who i am kinda detached to at times.